Grief & Difficult Times
Tragedy can knock the breath out of us unlike anything else. While there is no magic fix or perfect words for times like these, The Oaks would like to offer some thoughts and strategies that we hope are helpful as you take care of yourself and others during extremely difficult times.
You are never alone.
Constantly remind yourself that you can reach out to find help. Many people in your community care about you and are here to help. Know that God is your constant help. All through the Bible, God tells us that we are never alone. He cares deeply about walking with us through hard times. Reach out to parents, friends, pastors, counselors, coaches- anybody. All you need to say is, “I could use some help.” A feeling of relief can come when you can truly understand and know that you are not alone, and God has created an army to help walk you through this journey.
Pay attention to basic needs.
Sounds simple, but it is critical to take care of your body and brain as you walk through a crisis. This will allow your brain to function at its best, which is so important as it tries to process everything that has happened.
Check in with yourself periodically on the following:
· Have I eaten in the past several hours?
Even small frequent meals or snacks are super important, especially if there is good nutrition in the food (ex. Blueberries, eggs, turkey, chicken, almonds, green tea, dark chocolate, oatmeal, bananas, apples, spinach). Consider blending some of these foods in a smoothie or with a good quality protein powder if you don’t like the taste of them individually. Sometimes it's hard to eat when upset- drinking a smoothie or protein shake can be helpful.
· Do I need to rest or sleep?
Seek a physician’s guidance if your sleep becomes extremely difficult. Try relaxing praise and worship music or guided relaxation from an app like Abide to help you fall asleep. Avoid looking at screens if you use technology to fall asleep.
· Have I taken time to read my Bible, devotional, or pray for strength and peace today?
Be honest with God, cry out to Him, let him know exactly how you are feeling. Consider writing down some of your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
· Do I need to drink water? Staying hydrated is really important. Record your water intake if you feel yourself loosing track. Try to avoid high sugar or large amounts of caffeine if possible.
· Have I been on a screen too long?
· Do I need to walk outside for a bit?
· Do I need to call a friend to hangout, or do I need a little time alone?
· Would some light exercise help me relieve some stress?
· Have I taken my medicine consistently? (if applicable)
Distraction is okay
Our brains need breaks from trying to process the hard questions involved in a loss. It’s okay to spend some time “distracting yourself” by watching favorite shows or videos, especially ones that are light-hearted or positive.
At the same time, being on screens for long hours can also wear out your brain. Try to avoid an all day veg-out on a screen by setting an alarm to get up and possibly go outside every couple of hours. It’s also okay to laugh or smile or think about good times, even when you are facing something super sad. The distraction can be healthy for your brain.
Choose your social media time wisely
It can almost become obsessive to dig and dig for more information about the tragic event. Try to be aware of when you are over the top on this. Give your phone to a friend or parent or leave it in a different room for a while to give your brain a break. Sometimes going outside to sit or walk can be helpful. Use an app like Abide to practice relaxation and mindfulness or spend time with a pet.
How to help someone who’s been through a really hard time
· Just be there
Your presence with them and them knowing you are there means more than any “right words” you can say. Try to let go of the pressure of feeling like you must have the perfect words for them. Just be with them. As a friend, be careful that you don’t wear yourself out. It's okay to take breaks from being there for your friend or family. As a parent, know that your child may struggle sleeping alone or may want doors open.
· Let God do the work
Remember and take comfort in knowing that God has more strength and power than we can ever come up with on our own. As you are supporting a grieving individual, keep being reminded that the strength and healing will come from Him- You don’t have to come up with that on your own or “provide it” for the hurting individual.
· Silence is okay
Often, people who are in shock or grieving aren’t ready for speaking a lot of words or having deep conversation. Just use the extra silence to be praying for them and be ready to listen when they are ready.
· Repetition is okay
When grieving individuals do choose to speak, they may repeat short similar thoughts over and over. You might feel the need to respond to that with a long explanation or try to “solve it” for them, but most often short reflective statements are best right after the traumatic event. More in-depth processing of tough questions can happen later after the initial shock is gone.
Examples in how to acknowledge and reflect the feeling of what is being said:
Grieving individual says: “I just can’t believe it.”
Possible response: “ I know, it is so hard to believe.”
Grieving individual says: “How could something like this happen?”
Possible response: “I just don’t know, but I’m right here with you.”
Grieving individual says: “I just can’t understand.”
Possible response: “It really is so hard to understand.”
Other possible questions that can be asked:
Is there anything specific that I can pray for you?
When did your heart feel God the most today?
What would you like to thank God for today?
From today, what are your “roses” (happy moments/highlights)?
What are your “thorns” (sad, scary or difficult moments) from today?
How do you need God to help you tomorrow?
Comforting Verses for Difficult Times
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." -1 Chronicles 16:11
"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace." - Psalm 29:11
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:31
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. -Isaiah 26:3
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. - Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. -Psalm 9:9
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - Psalm 18:2
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18